NFC West preview

Last one, people! It's 1:30am as I write this, so yes, i got it in under the wire for the 2008 NFL season. Hell yeah! I'm so drunk and I wanna go to bed now so I can get up tomorrow and watch football! This division rots. Everybody knows Seattle's winning in a walk. But let's run the numbers and see what we get.

Glendale Cardinals
Win total: 8

Division champ: 9-4

SB champ: 50-1

Loaded. Stacked. Every year somebody picks them to be good. This is their year. This is when they break out. Bullshit. If you bench your first-round draft pick and hand the job to an over-the-hill vet you ain't winnin' shit. Just admit it.

They play six good teams (Dal, Seax2, @Phi, MN, NE), I'll give 'em... none. None. How about four good teams (@Was, Buf, @Car, NYG)? One. And as for those six bad teams (SFx2, Mia, @NYJ, StLx2)? OK, three. That makes four wins. Waaay under. So fucking under. God, why do people fall for this team year after year? This under is the safest bet of the preseason, safer than NE winning the AFCE. I mean, eight games? Are you serious? This team couldn't win eight games in a thirty-game season.

Saint Louis Rams
Win total: 6¹/₂

Division champ: 11-2

SB champ: 75-1

I used to fall for these clowns year after year. The fact that they had so many fantasy stars made people overrate them, myself included. No more: they stink.

They play five good teams (@Phi, Seax2, Dal, @NE) and I'm being generous by saying they might win one. Actually, fuck that, no, zero. Maybe when they play their three OK teams (NYG, Buf, @Was), how about that? I'll give them one. And as for those eight shitty teams (AZx2, @NYJ, SFx2, Chi, Mia, @Atl)? Wow. The last nine weeks of their season is all shit teams plus Sea at home thrown in in December. Seriously, the last half of their season is an absolute joke. They could take half of those. That's five. Whoop-de-doo. Under.

San Francisco Forty-Niners
Win total: 6

Division champ: 11-2

SB champ: 100-1

Karma, baby. This is what you get for cheating the cap in the Montana and Young eras: a decade of misery. Plus about a season and a half of Garcia-to-T.O. magic, which really turned out to be little more than a cruel tease. Another team in this division that's benching its high-priced draft pick QB for a grizzled veteran. Yeah, good luck with that.

OK, five good teams (Seax2, NE, Phi, @Dal), I'll stay consistent and give 'em zero. Four mediocre teams (@NO, @NYG, @Buf, Was), three on the road, might net one. How 'bout them seven crap teams (AZx2, Det, StLx2, NYJ, @Mia)? Oh, let's say three and call it under. Enjoy!
Seattle Seahawks
Win total: 8¹/₂

Division champ: 5-7

SB champ: 25-1

Eight and a half? Are you serious? That's it? I know they're boring but who's their competition? Let's take a look.

Four Good teams (GB, Phi, @Dal, NE) and I think they can take two. Seems fair, right? So then there's these four decent teams (@Buf, @NYG, @TB, Was) and I'm thinkin' they take three. Why not? And they round it out with a whopping eight bottom-feeding piece-of-shit teams (SFx2, StLx2, @Mia, AZx2, NYJ), six of them in their own division, of which, I mean, come on, they gotta take six, right? That makes eleven. So over. I mean, who are we kidding here?

And it shakes out like:

Sea 11- 5

StL 5-11

AZ 4-12

SF 4-12

And you know what? Yeah, it's that bad. Sea at 5-7 to take the division is free money people. And furthermore... 25-1 for the Super Bowl is nothing to sneeze at. Just sayin'.

Whooo, I'm done, it's after 2:00am, time to go to bed and get up and enjoy some football. GO JETS!