AFC East preview

I'm gonna do the AFCE next because my fave team's in it. Tomorrow I'll tryan tackle the NFCN and AFCN in honour of my esteemed collaborators here at the 'Noog. The lines, as always, from Sportsbook, where, incidentally, Obama is a 1-2 favourite. McCain? 3-2. Place your bets, gentlemen.

East Rutherford Jets

Win total: 8

Division champ: 5-1

SB champ: 25-1

Look, I'm biased. I love the Jets. But seriously, they're getting the same odds to win the Super Bowl as NYG and Phi? Really? Like, Favre's that seductive to the gambling world? That's also the same line as Sea. Let's not be hasty here, folks.

So they brought in a bunch of veterans to make a run right now. Not the strategy I would have chosen, but what do I know? Just seems to me like they've invested heavily in trying to go 9-7 and grab that sixth-seed wild card spot. Not a lot about this year's roster says "long term" to me. But what the hell, Favre's here, should be a wild ride. Let's go.

When I look at their schedule I see four good teams (NEx2, SD, @Sea), I'm thinkin' they win one of those, and that's being a total homer. Then four OK teams (Bufx2, @TN, Den), maybe two wins. And a big fat eight shit teams (Miax2, AZ, Cin, @Oak, KC, StL, @SF). What a putrid line-up. C'mon, Brett-O, you can win four of those, right? That makes seven. Gowunda go under, quoth Wire.

Foxborough Patriots
Win total: 12

Division champ: 1-9

SB champ: 3-1

Assuming that "Miami Gardens"(?) is a separate city, that means the Pats are the only club in the division that actually plays where they claim to represent. But all the other teams claim a city (actually, "New York" is ambiguous, but the Jets fail this litmus test whether it's a city or a state). The Pats don't just claim a state, they claim a whole region. If we're rewarding karma points for geographic accuracy, isn't that kinda like... cheating?

ZING!!! Enjoy hearing shitty jokes like that one for the rest of your lives, Pats fans!

Seriously, fuck these clowns. I would be perfectly happy if the Jets were to go 2-14 and just beat the Pats twice. Well, not perfectly, but at least somewhat satisfied. It's nice to think that just about anything will be considered a disappointment after the lofty statistical heights this team achieved last year (exception: actually winning the fucking Super Bowl), but other than that there's really not much solace for rival fans. They'll clinch the division title by the first week in December if Brady plays the entire season sitting in a Barcolounger, sooner if he stands up a few times a game.

And seriously, look at this schedule: Four good teams (@SD, @Ind, Pit, @Sea). Not too easy with three of 'em on the road, but they should win three. Three OK teams (Den, Bufx2), let's give 'em two. Conservatively. Nine utter shit teams (KC, NYJx2, Miax2, @SF, StL, @Oak, AZ). Are they gonna lose any of those games? Probably not. The Pats don't fuck up much. That's fourteen wins. Thirteen if you wanna give 'em one mulligan, but that's still over.

Miami Gardens Dolphins
Win total: 5¹/₂

Division champ: 40-1

SB champ: 200-1

Chad, we hardly knew ye. Good luck down there, and I mean that with the utmost sincerity. Not a bad situation, really. Much like NE can't possibly improve on last year's regular season, Mia probably won't be any worse. They almost have to get better based solely on the law of averages.

They play four good teams (NEx2, SD, SEA), three of 'em at home. Won't matter, they're not winning any of those. Four decent teams (@Hou, Bufx2, @Den), three on the road. Tough break. Maybe they pull off one upset. Eight teams almost as lousy as they are (NYJx2, @AZ, Bal, Oak, @StL, SF, @KC). Three wins? How do you even pick something like this? Even if they beat half those crappy teams they still come out under, so I'm goin' with that.

Orchard Park Bills
Win total: 7¹/₂

Division champ: 8-1

SB champ: 50-1

There comes a time when you have to wonder if your favourite team is even trying anymore. Can you remember the last breakout star on the Bills? I guess they've had a couple of good running backs they've subsequently let walk. The last exciting free agent signing? The last inspired coaching hire? The last time they started scheduling a few games a season in another country? I think the Wilson family wants out and I think this may get ugly in a Modell-moves-the-Browns kinda way. One of these years that stadium's getting trashed by an angry mob. More so.

So what to make of their schedule? Well, there's six good teams (Sea, @Jac, SD, NEx2, Cle), which is what you get for finishing second. They can win two of those. Two of the home games, I guess. I count one mediocre team (@Den). Kind of a toss-up, so I'll take the home team in that one. Which leaves nine crappy teams (Oak, @StL, @AZ, Miax2, NYJx2, @KC, SF). They can win half of those. Hell, I'll even round up to five. That's seven. Under, barely. I thought they'd be better, but looking at them more closely there's not really a lot to like about this team other than Lynch. Yawn.

So, whadda we got?

NE 14- 2

Buf 7- 9

NYJ 7- 9

Mia 5-11

NE could win this division without helmets. Even at 1-9 they're still free money. Even in the event of an off year there's really no one to challenge them.

As for the Super Bowl, NE's the only one worth considering. 3-1 kind of sucks, but they really are that good. If you're picking a group of teams to lay some SB bets, you almost can't afford not to include NE.